Dating as a Single Mom or The Fine Art of Balance

The two years of courses, and the reading of dozens of "fix me" books to get past the failure of my marriage, taught me a lot about loss and acceptance. I learned that in the case of a divorce, the same grief cycle needs to be followed as when a spouse dies. Most people need between  two and five years to get through all of the stages before they are ready for a successful new relationship. I personally needed longer. I had to choose the right man the second time around. I could not settle because I had kids and their happiness was too important to me. 

Eventually, I was ready to try dating again. Being a 47 year old divorcee with two preteen sons is not something I would wish on anyone, but my life lessons continued with the aide of some wonderful new allies as well as some real duds.

As a teacher I worked with very few single men over the age of 45 and any that I did encounter had more issues than I did. At the suggestion of a few wise friends, I started internet dating. I know, it sounds scary but I found that if I made sure to take my time corresponding over the course of several weeks, and putting my "situation" out there, I was able to meet the kind of intelligent, and caring man that I wanted to date.


As an older plus-sized woman, I found that I had to really go with my instincts and only date men that I felt a true connection with. I was able to enjoy dating, for the most part, because I happen to have really great instincts and a built in an early warning system to detect BS. I was quite brutal. If I didn't feel as if a match was right for me, nothing could convince me otherwise and I quickly made a hasty exit. On the other hand I had to learn to accept rejection and that was very hard at first. I finally realized not to take it personally and accept that just as I needed to go with my instincts, so did they.

For the most part, I dated by meeting someone for coffee on the way home from work or enjoying dinner and dancing when my sons were at their dad's for the weekend. 

One fellow that I dated for several months, Stephen, taught me so much about myself that  I will always be grateful and always live my life with his lessons in mind. He taught me to always seek joy and personal fulfilment. He showed me that I could not be the wonderful Mom or person that I wanted to be for my sons unless I was happy. I had to be the creative person that I always wanted to be and I had to carve out time to be an adult in my own right. Stephen taught me about allowing things that gave me pleasure to become important in my life. He was and still is a truly inspirational man.


The biggest problem that I ran into with dating older men is that many had no desire to change anything about themselves or their lives. They seemed to think that they were already perfect, I didn't agree.  I suggested that many of them consider doing the rebuilding courses that I had. A few seemed as if they just wanted to replace their last "defective" spouse. I found, for some men,  I was "desired" because I could cook and keep a decent home. Others wanted a playmate, an extra paycheque, or a toy. Still others really wanted a new Mommy... Seriously!?

I felt that my sons did not need to see me dating a variety of men, nor did they need to make room in their lives for a new man that may not be permanent. If I was successfully dating someone for a couple of months then I felt it was time for my sons to meet him. 


There was one exception...and Paul and I have been happily married for two years.

Our lovely wedding took place at our home in July, 2009. My younger son Max is in the background.

The beginning of dramatic changes.

I don't think I had a clue who I was for the first 50 years of my life! It took me nine years as a single mom, a few wonderful girlfriends and dating a few special men to help me really understand my worth as a woman so that I was ready to meet my "Knight in a Black Charger."


How could it be possible that after fifteen years I would decide to end my first marriage to a man I'd known for over 30 years? We had so much shared history, many friends and two wonderful sons, but our personal life goals grew further and further apart as our often unhappy marriage dragged on. I kept trying to "fix it" but that wasn't possible. I decided to try to provide my sons with a calmer life and happier Mom. It wasn't until almost the end of my marriage that I realized that I had indeed married my very damaged father. It took me another year to realize that I had lots and lots of work to do to fix myself. 


"Project New Me" began to form in my mind, but I'll leave that topic to another blog. 


I had waited and waited to find the right man. I'd known Christopher, (not his real name), since high school and had even dated him for short while way back then. I'd been determined from the start that I'd never get divorced like my parents and I thought I had learned what kind of man would truly make me happy. I wanted a happy relaxed type of marriage to a man that would make me laugh daily and make a wonderful father for my future children. Like many women of my generation, we never considered not being Moms. 


Chris was so much fun in those early days. I supported and encouraged him to follow his passion to become a full-time entertainer, and that's just what he did. Very quickly I realized that passion for a career and hard work needed to work hand in hand in order to make someone a success. Some people are naturally more resilient than others and some people can learn to bounce back after a major career setback. Other people just can't manage to move past it. Our life became a dark hole of one disappointment after another. 


In my early teens, my amazing single Mom, (divorced since I was in grade 3),  had instilled a fierce work ethic that ensured I would always have a career that would allow me to be financially independent and able to take care of myself and my future kids. As an added benefit she hoped I would enjoy an amazing career and I have for over 25 years. Chris did not have the same drive but was much more laid back and more interested in watching hockey, playing golf and chilling out.


To be perfectly fair to Chris, he was doing the very best he could to be a good dad for his sons. As a performer Chris was easy, relaxed and absolutely on top of his game. His brilliance on stage was so impressive and infectious that everyone loved having a chance to see him and his partner perform. When Chris was in the zone, he was a different person and felt really great about himself. He was just not able to sustain that same sense of self worth offstage. 


Being self-employed meant that Chris had to market himself everyday and that became more difficult for him each year.  Chris had withdrawn into himself and I had become a screaming shrew trying to motivate him to work more to help support his family. 


Chris continues to live in the same neighbourhood and has an open door policy with his sons. 


On my part, I struggled with accepting the fact that I had failed at my marriage and I felt that I had failed at being a parent as well. We had destroyed our sons family. I decided to live my life just for my sons. What I soon realized is that I had to work on me before I could be the kind of mom that my sons deserved. I started taking "after divorce" classes at church and continued on with a private company to take a series of courses designed to teach me to be a confident and effective single mom. I eventually learned to understand and enjoy myself as a person. 

When I see my sons happy, it makes me feel great Joy!