The two years of courses, and the reading of dozens of "fix me" books to get past the failure of my marriage, taught me a lot about loss and acceptance. I learned that in the case of a divorce, the same grief cycle needs to be followed as when a spouse dies. Most people need between two and five years to get through all of the stages before they are ready for a successful new relationship. I personally needed longer. I had to choose the right man the second time around. I could not settle because I had kids and their happiness was too important to me.
I felt that my sons did not need to see me dating a variety of men, nor did they need to make room in their lives for a new man that may not be permanent. If I was successfully dating someone for a couple of months then I felt it was time for my sons to meet him.
There was one exception...and Paul and I have been happily married for two years.
Our lovely wedding took place at our home in July, 2009. My younger son Max is in the background.
Eventually, I was ready to try dating again. Being a 47 year old divorcee with two preteen sons is not something I would wish on anyone, but my life lessons continued with the aide of some wonderful new allies as well as some real duds.
As a teacher I worked with very few single men over the age of 45 and any that I did encounter had more issues than I did. At the suggestion of a few wise friends, I started internet dating. I know, it sounds scary but I found that if I made sure to take my time corresponding over the course of several weeks, and putting my "situation" out there, I was able to meet the kind of intelligent, and caring man that I wanted to date.
As an older plus-sized woman, I found that I had to really go with my instincts and only date men that I felt a true connection with. I was able to enjoy dating, for the most part, because I happen to have really great instincts and a built in an early warning system to detect BS. I was quite brutal. If I didn't feel as if a match was right for me, nothing could convince me otherwise and I quickly made a hasty exit. On the other hand I had to learn to accept rejection and that was very hard at first. I finally realized not to take it personally and accept that just as I needed to go with my instincts, so did they.
As an older plus-sized woman, I found that I had to really go with my instincts and only date men that I felt a true connection with. I was able to enjoy dating, for the most part, because I happen to have really great instincts and a built in an early warning system to detect BS. I was quite brutal. If I didn't feel as if a match was right for me, nothing could convince me otherwise and I quickly made a hasty exit. On the other hand I had to learn to accept rejection and that was very hard at first. I finally realized not to take it personally and accept that just as I needed to go with my instincts, so did they.
For the most part, I dated by meeting someone for coffee on the way home from work or enjoying dinner and dancing when my sons were at their dad's for the weekend.
One fellow that I dated for several months, Stephen, taught me so much about myself that I will always be grateful and always live my life with his lessons in mind. He taught me to always seek joy and personal fulfilment. He showed me that I could not be the wonderful Mom or person that I wanted to be for my sons unless I was happy. I had to be the creative person that I always wanted to be and I had to carve out time to be an adult in my own right. Stephen taught me about allowing things that gave me pleasure to become important in my life. He was and still is a truly inspirational man.
The biggest problem that I ran into with dating older men is that many had no desire to change anything about themselves or their lives. They seemed to think that they were already perfect, I didn't agree. I suggested that many of them consider doing the rebuilding courses that I had. A few seemed as if they just wanted to replace their last "defective" spouse. I found, for some men, I was "desired" because I could cook and keep a decent home. Others wanted a playmate, an extra paycheque, or a toy. Still others really wanted a new Mommy... Seriously!?
The biggest problem that I ran into with dating older men is that many had no desire to change anything about themselves or their lives. They seemed to think that they were already perfect, I didn't agree. I suggested that many of them consider doing the rebuilding courses that I had. A few seemed as if they just wanted to replace their last "defective" spouse. I found, for some men, I was "desired" because I could cook and keep a decent home. Others wanted a playmate, an extra paycheque, or a toy. Still others really wanted a new Mommy... Seriously!?
I felt that my sons did not need to see me dating a variety of men, nor did they need to make room in their lives for a new man that may not be permanent. If I was successfully dating someone for a couple of months then I felt it was time for my sons to meet him.
There was one exception...and Paul and I have been happily married for two years.
